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san4uzel · Joined: 16 Nov 2006 Posts: 71 Location: British

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold
a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi the mother pushed and pushed and after a little while,
Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and
asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old
what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled
in there in the first place...
Smack his arse again!'

women, golf and the frog

A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Male readers :
Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

It's a fax

A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says, "Give me a Bud Lite."
When the bartender brings him the beer, he notices the guy pokes at his hand and starts talking. When he stops talking, the bartender asks, "What are you doing with your hand on your face?"
The guy says, "A while ago I was hit by lightning and from then on my hand became a cell phone."
The bartender says, "Oh! You're full of it!"
So the guy says, "If you don't believe me, then here! Tell me your phone number and I will dial it.
The bartender says, "Dial 654-8967."
The guy did so and hands the phone to the bartender who talks with his wife and kids.
After a few drinks, the guy goes into the bathroom. Two other guys come in and the bartender asks they if they saw the guy whose hand is a cell phone. The two guys say "Oh, you're full of it!" The bartender tells them if they don't believe him, then wait until he comes out of the bathroom and they can see for themselves.
After about 15 minutes the guy still hadn't come out of the bathroom so the bartender goes to check on him. When the bartender goes into the bathroom he sees the guy standing there pants down and toilet paper rolling out of his butt. The bartender asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The guy says, "Hold on a second! I'm getting a fax!"

The drunk and the bathroom
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

gone deaf ?
Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?"
He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

san4uzel · Joined: 16 Nov 2006 Posts: 71 Location: British

Why Did You Shoot Your Wife?
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

Hold Onto Your Hat
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I ONLY bought this hat yesterday!"

Taste Test
A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.

"Can you guess what it is?"

"I don't know," said the boy.

"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."

The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass

Blind Carpenter
A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.

Butt Cheek
A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.

One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked.

She said "I can't believe you did this for me."

Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."

But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.

With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."

Mom And Uncle Frank
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

admin sinfulldude · Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:55 pm Post subject: Too Many Questions

Too Many Questions (was WRITTEN BY MADMART FORMER SITE ADMIN;)
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."

"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash!"
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