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massetXA · Joined: 08 Dec 2006 Posts: 51 Location: USA

Baptizing a drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes,
ok, I will."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water, then pulls him up
and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the man in water
again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when the drunk
begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again
asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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TWO OLD LADIES

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts
to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it
over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any ! drug store.

The next day,Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the
pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. !
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all,
over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she
prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.