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admin sinfulldude · Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 7:20 am Post subject: some short Weird Tales

some short Weird Tales

When a man was arrested for drink driving in Renfrewshire, Scotland, on Christmas Eve, his wife drove to the police station to see him.
As she drove home she was detained for the same offence.
The couple spent Christmas day in the cells.

A thief in Yorkshire tricked his way into the home of an elderly man during a snowstorm and stole his overcoat.

A burger bar in California is looking for a customer who was given a bag containing £10,000 instead of his meal!

Cleo, a parrot that had escaped from a house at Sandown, Isle of Wight, was hosed out of a tree after refusing to move from a branch for 3 days.

The most watched television show in New York last week was a two-hour programme on Christmas Day of a yule log burning in a fireplace. It attracted more than 620,000 viewers.

An anti-Harry Potter Hotline has been set up in Vienna to enable Austrians to rail at merchandising surrounding J K Rowling's fictional schoolboy wizard.

A Rotterdam man faces court after telephoning his wife over Christmas to say he had been kidnapped. Police found him with his mistress.

A German electronics chain is removing 15,000 posters featuring 3-breasted women after scores of complaints.

The British Department of Health spent £900,000 this year publishing 10 editions of NHS, a glossy £2.95 magazine. It printed 61,000 copies per issue, but only sold 22.

Japan's Education Ministry is to start housework classes for husbands to help reduce their reliance on their wives. The men will not, however, be told to hang out the washing for fear of losing face with their neighbours.

Cambodia's Prime Minister, Hun Sen, who has launched a crackdown on nightlife, announced that illegal karaoke bars will be destroyed: by tank!

A bridegroom died during his wedding ceremony in Iran as he licked honey from his bride's finger, a custom to ensure that life together starts sweetly. He choked on her false fingernail.

In an attempt to reduce a £9 million-a-year electricity bill, the Metropolitan Police has told officers to stop using kettles to make cups of tea.

Fortnum & Mason is telling customers that European Union regulations compel it to warn them that "Children's Crackers" are unsuitable for those under eight.

Police in Scarborough declared an amnesty in the hope of recovering their traffic cones. They have three left from an original allocation of 300.

An Australian medical officer claimed that the Teletubbies are a poor role-model for children as the puppets encourage them to be obese.

A survey by an internet company revealed that more than half the under-25-year-olds in Britain have never written a formal letter using a pen.

Nearly 400 Cambodians lost their homes when a cat which was being roasted for dinner caught fire, burning 62 shacks.

A £2 million EU-funded research project discovered that thyme and mint added to cattle feed makes a cowpat smell more tolerable.

An ITV presenter sent a tape of a song that he had recorded for £25 in a disused outside lavatory as an entry for the BBC's Eurovision contest. It has been shortlisted.

Franz Fischler, the European food and farm commissioner, missed the launch of the new European Food Safety Authority. He was struck down by salmonella poisoning.

A court in Japan sent a man to jail for 14 years after he kept a girl that he had abducted when she was nine in his bedroom for nine years and three months. His mother insisted that she had no idea the girl was there.

Police investigating the theft of an Amazon parrot from a house in Ross-on-Wye, Herefordshire, say the bird will be easily identifiable because it speaks with a broad Yorkshire accent.

A hidden surveillance camera installed by police in an empty flat on a troubled council estate in Norwich has been stolen.

A record 70 per cent of voters turned out in a referendum in Siberia. All were entered in a lottery to win a car or television.

A Florida town's attempt to honour the black actor James Earl Jones on Martin Luther King Day went badly wrong. The commemoration plaque read: "Thank you James Earl Ray for keeping the dream alive." Ray murdered Dr King in 1968.

A chief of police in Florida was suspended for arresting the proprietor of a Happy Dayz Diner when he told him that a hamburger ordered 20 minutes before was still not ready.

An Irishman has been given permission by the Australian town of Kalgoolie-Boulder to dig through a council rubbish tip for a winning A$1.5 million lottery ticket he believes he has thrown away.

Britons spent a record £3 million sending 30 million text messages on New Years Eve.

A City of London banker did not notice that for 10 months her salary was mistakenly being paid to a colleague with the same name.

A doctor and 10 midwives were suspended at a hospital near Sydney, Australia, for having nitrous oxide (laughing gas) parties as patients were giving birth.

When a man was arrested for drink driving in Renfrewshire, Scotland, on Christmas Eve, his wife drove to the police station to see him. As she drove home she was detained for the same offence. The couple spent Christmas day in the cells.

Singapore is sending psychiatrists into schools to help stem a growing addiction to the internet.

An eight-year-old girl was detained by Australian police after a stolen car she was driving near Perth was halted by a puncture.

Women MP's in Austria accused the Woman's Affairs Minister - a man - of insulting them because he has set up a seperate department for men.

Doncaster council is spending £4,000 on two-and-a-half hour courses for staff to show them how to change a light bulb. The council said: "It is a statutory duty to provide such information."

A German fighter pilot fired seven rounds at a Dutch air control tower before realising that he should have been aiming at a bright orange tent.

Saltwater crocodiles have been swimming in the streets of Cairns, Queensland, after high tides.

A busy barber in Bristol has installed a webcam so that customers can see how long the queue is before leaving home.

Four sisters have been fighting each other so long over who should inherit their mother's home in Sunderland, that the proceeds from the sale of the house will be swallowed by legal bills.

A memorial service for a sailor who had been missing for a week from a US Navy ship was called off when he walked out of a storeroom.

A man was jailed in central Ghana for killing vultures and selling the plucked birds as chickens.

A monastery in Greece is to change its status to a brotherhood after the churches ruling body told 15 monks there to abandon their 'scandalous ways'.
The monks have formed themselves into a pop group and have already had one hit.

Robbers using an explosive device to open a security device in Paris were foiled because the force of the blast scattered the banknotes all over the road.

Following complaints about smelly dairy farms in America, a 350,000 pounds project at the University of California has produced a cow dung freshener.

A British businessman, who wanted to remain anonymous, gave his wife a 14 million pound submarine for Christmas. He ordered it from the American store Neiman Marcus' mail order catalogue.

A Russian, aged 50, was jailed in Moscow for killing a friend and serving his flesh as 'veal' to guests at a New Year's banquet.

Passengers were held up for two hours after a train encountered the wrong type of insects at Honshu, Japan. It stalled after running over an army of millipedes.

A hospital trust is flying a Spanish surgeon from Madrid to Yorkshire each weekend to help reduce hospital waiting lists. The cost of his fee and air tickets are cheaper than the fee of a private surgeon in Britain.

Passengers on a Swissair flight were stranded overnight in New York when the pilot was detained for 18 hours after being arrested whilst jogging in Central Park

A beer taster in Brazil, who had to sample up to 21 pints a day, was awarded damages after complaining that he had become an alcoholic.

A man trying to retrieve a mobile phone dropped in a lion's cage in Mexico was mauled when the phone suddenly rang and woke up the lion.

A family in Wigan, England is to move after being burgled 20 times. The last straw was when their guard dog was stolen!

A casino waitress in Las Vegas slipped into the rival casino next door after her shift ended and promptly won 22 million pounds on the slot machines! It is not known whether she resigned from her job or was sacked.

The CEO of Dorling Kindersley has resigned after the publishing company sold only 3 million Star Wars books at Christmas. They had printed 13 million!

A man in Slough, England dialled 999 to tell the emergency services that his sister was putting too much corn oil in his food and he was getting fat.

A Japanese firm has invented a vending machine that can change the chime on a mobile phone in 10 seconds.

Custom officers in Frankfurt airport discovered a woman trying to smuggle 1300 bird-eating spiders from Mexico to Germany in her suitcases.

A burglar who stole a BMW sports car had to ask the owner how to start it and then crashed it into a lamp post 400 yards down the road.

In response to Nostradamus's prediction that a calamity will strike in July, a Japanese company is selling a bra with a sensor that alerts its wearer to incoming missiles (this begs the question, what can be described as an incoming missile?).

A car recycling centre in Berlin is hiring out sledgehammers at £1.60 per hour to people who want to get rid of their stress on the old cars.

Russian aides accompanying President Putin to America paid their hotel bills in cash - after exchanging four gold bars wrapped in a paper bag at the Federal Reserve for $1 million.

The application form for a security pass to the House of Commons includes the question "Have you ever been involved in terrorism? If so, give details."

Uzbek air force officers, who share the Khanabad base with 2,000 US troops are rifling through the Americans' rubbish and selling discarded ration packs to local market traders.

The actress Gwyneth Paltrow complained that pictures of her in an edition of Harper's Bazaar magazine made her bottom look too small.

A young widow in Sydney has had the ashes of her husband sewn into her breast implants so that he remains close to her heart.

A teaching union has demanded that maths tests for new teachers be dropped because they are too confusing and difficult.

Two Baptist ministers who held up a Louisiana bank and stole £30,000 found police waiting for them when they returned to church to conduct Evensong. They had used their own car as the getaway vehicle.

A statue kept in a Southampton museum basement has been identified as 2,700 years old from Egypt. Staff had been using it as a cycle rack.

A Zambian whose wife served him a cup of tea with a frog in was granted a divorce.

A soldier thrown out of a Greek bar for bing drunk returned later in a tank and drove straight into the vehicle.

A woman continually frustrated by being unable to park her Mercedes in Birstall, Leics, bought a derelict supermarket for £202,000 and gave it to the council to provide a 70-space free car park.

Undertakers in Missouri returned a corpse to the dead man's home after it claimed a £800 funeral bin had not been paid. The man, wrapped in a blue bag, was left on the porch.

Eskimos in Nunavut, Canada, are to melt icebergs and bottle the water for export to Japan. It is to be marketed as "pure Arctic drinking water."

A woman who owned a shortsighted racing greyhound that kept coming second because it needed another dog to follow, had it fitted with contact lenses. The dog is now winning.

Jedi, the fictional faith in the film, Star Wars, is to be given official status in the next census because so many people listed it as a religion in the last one.

Executives of the Burger King restaurant chain, famed for its flame-grilled meals, had to be treated for burns in Key Largo, Florida, after walking over hot coals in a team-building exercise.

Police in British Columbia had to set up a road block to stop a car speeding at 150 mph without lights at night. They found the Ferrari driver wearing night-vision goggles.

A Croatian parliamentary session was halted after an MP told a female colleague: "God created you for mattresses and not as wise men."

A baker who received a bravery award after tackling three burglars at the Canterbury supermarket where he worked was docked two weeks wages for taking time off to recover from his injuries.

A man of 73 who took 11 years and eight attempts to pass his driving test, was banned five weeks later for drink driving.

A Half Chinese man working for the Birmingham council's Partnership Against Racial Harassment was awarded £116,000 for discrimination against him by senior staff.

Inverness airport had to shut for a day when an air traffic controller called in sick.

The makers of Viagra have won the Queen's Award for Enterprise.

A Monopoly player escaped 'going straight to jail' and was given a suspended sentence for punching his 13-year-old stepson who had won the game.

Police in Lincolnshire accidentally crashed into an empty parked car. When the owner went to look at the damage, she was arrested for drink-driving.

A gardener, aged 70, who was puzzled by the lack of tomatoes on her plant, took it to a recording of the BBC's Gardeners' Question Time. The panel told her it was a cannabis plant.

A worker at Monkey World, in Dorset, admitted stealing £47,000 from the entrance tills. She spent it on Cliff Richard souvenirs and going to his concerts.

The Democratic Republic of the Congo has discovered that 21,652 civil servants on its payroll do not exist.

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Helena · Joined: 28 Dec 2006 Posts: 75 Location: yorkshire, UK

some short Weird Tales

An Oklahoma woman who shot her husband dead told police that they had been arguing over who should feed their goats.

Police in Southampton are handing out free lollipops to late-night revellers in an attempt to reduce violence on the streets. Just one hitch: a fight broke out when one man didn't get one.

The South Derbyshire Acute Hospitals Trust refused a £50 donation from a woman because she had won the money posing topless in a tabloid newspaper.

Two policemen were called to escort an Israeli tourist who fell asleep on the New York Subway off the train. He was fined $50 for taking up two seats.

A school's athletics competition in west London was halted temporarily. The race starter accidentally shot himself in the leg.

A disabled woman was awarded £8,000 after a faulty stairlift catapulted her down the stairs at her home near Pontypridd, Wales. She now lives in a bungalow!

An academic at the University of Queensland, Australia, was given £32,000 of state money to "prove Jesus was gay". He came to the conclusion that three disciples were homosexual too.

Iraqi police are to wear blue berets after they rejected parts of the new uniform devised for them by their US advisers. The Americans had wanted them to wear baseball caps.

Magistrates at Barrow in Furness ordered a 17-year-old youth arraigned for rowdy behaviour to pay £100 compensation to the policeman who arrested him for calling him "fat". The Pc is 5 ft 8 ins tall and weighs 14 st.

A firm in Newcastle set up to help people clear their debts has gone into voluntary liquidation owing £5 million.

A boy of 16 was expelled and unable to take GCSE exams at Enfield, north London. He had been studying at home and was late for a school photograph.

Thieves in northern Columbia were caught after withdrawing £2,500 from cash machines with a credit card they found. It belonged to the country's president, Alvarao Uribe.

Following reports that a shortage of plumbers makes it possible for them to earn £70,000 a year, a training course in Bristol received 2,000 applications for the 36 places.

Two years ago a Liverpool wife complained to Tony Blair that she had waited eight hours on a hospital trolley. She was assured it would never happen again. She went back to hospital last week and waited 30 hours.

A German court fined a man £1,900 for celebrating his neighbour's death by loudly singing "It's a Wonderful Day".

A man aged 61 is suing the Arriva bus company in Yorkshire. He claims that his bus was late.

A man died after running into a South African suermarket, seizing a butcher's saw and starting to cut off his head. Shop staff were receiving counselling.

King Mohammed of Morocco celebrated the birth of a son and heir by ordering the release of 9,459 prisoners. Another 38,529 had their sentences reduced.

America's oldest coffee roaster has had to shut his shop after New York's environmental agency fined him $400 for failing to control the smell of coffee. A local resident had complained.

A couple accused of kidnapping a neighbour's cat have had to put their house up for sale in a Cornish village after living there for 18 years. Villagers are refusing to talk to them.

A Turkish soccer club sacked its French star Pascal Nourma after he put his hand down his shorts to celebrate scoring a goal. He said the gesture was a "private sign of joy".

A Swedish job-hunter advertised herself in a newspaper as "anti-social, uncreative and untalented". SHe got a job the next day, which increased her pay by £1,300.

Karen Buckley, who has three teenage children, was chosen "Mum of the Year" by a local newspaper in Rochdale. After receiving her prize she disclosed that she had had a sex-change operation and that she was the father of the children.

A German professor of biology said that he had discovered a new way to bosst fertility. He had found that human sperm become excited when exposed to the scent of lily of the valley.

Twin brothers aged 78 were arrested in Italy after their 90-year-old brother was found locked in an attic. Police said that the twins lived for years on their brother's war pension.

The British Metropolitan Police set up a stall at the Cannes television festival to sell video film of car chases direct to producers. It expects to raise £1 million.

Ten people were arrested on a bus in China's southern Guanxi province when 28 baby girls, all under 3 months, were found in suitcases. They were due to be sold to childless couples.

The Mayor of Chepstow, Gwent, Wales, resigned over his affair with an undertaker after she was convicted of stealing money from collection boxes at funerals.

A Beefeater who lives within the walls of the Tower of London, and less than 100 yards from the Crown jewels, was refused household insurance.

Keith Sanderson lost the tip of his thumb in a factory guillotine in Newcastle upon Tyne. He then cut off a finger showing his manager how it happened.

A bricklayer sent to prison on a driving charge had pleaded with Weymouth magistrates not to jail him as he was due to marry the next week. The local newspaper reported the case - alerting his wife that he was about to commit bigamy.

Helena · Joined: 28 Dec 2006 Posts: 75 Location: yorkshire, UK

more short Weird Tales

A BMW confiscated from drug dealers has been added to the Dyfed, Powys, police's fleet of cars. A force spokesman said: "This has saved the taxpayer a considerable sum of money."

A registrar in Rochdale who has conducted 600 marriage ceremonies, lived for nearly 20 years as a bigamist. His double life was discovered when he fled abroad with a third woman.

A Swedish man, devastated when his wife filed for divorce, converted all the family's shares and mutual funds into £50,000 cash - and then burnt it.

Two families visiting elderly patients on a busy ward in a Birmingham hospital found their relatives dead. A nurse told one wife: "Your husband is dozing."

The UK Trade and Industry Department has produced an 86-page report on how to open a plastic bag. It cost £100,000!

A mother complained that her doctor in Camden, north London, treated her baby's stomach bug by swinging a crystal over a book of herbal remedies.

Two chain stores in Italy withdrew their stocks of fur coats after animal rights campaigners carried out DNA tests on the coats. They were found to be dog fur.

Anti-drug authorities in Mexico raided their own offices and found 1,000 lbs of marijuana. Nine staff were arrested.

A Mafia hitman charged with two murders told a court in Italy that he had an alibi. "It was not me," he said. "That night I was killing someone else."

Six residents of a Russian hamlet with a population of 14 were found stabbed to death. They had just collected their pensions.

A family in Bochum, Germany, has kept an eel in the bathtub for 23 years. When someone wants a bath the eel swims into a bucket.

When the mastermind of a bank van robbery was arrested in Bangkok, police found he had set fire to the money. He said he had been cold.

The Department of Work and Pensions paid £2,500 compensation to Terry Kelham who worked for seven years in a room with eight photocopiers. He said the machines made him deaf.

Birmingham City Council's 50,000 employees took 895,000 days off sick last year. That is the equivalent of three and a half working weeks per employee.

The Santa Claus Foundation launched a campaign for the bones of St Nicholas to be returned from Italy to his Turkish birthplace.

A woman who forgot her house keys had to be rescued by firemen in Wigston, Leicestershire. She tried to get into her home through the cat flap and became stuck.

Many stores in Germany have stopped selling cans of soft drinks and beers. A new law imposes a redeemable 16p deposit on every can sold.

Mark Walker has become the first person to be banned form drinking alcohol anywhere in England and Wales. If he does and gets caught he faces a five-year prison sentence.

Violence broke out in Malawi after the government launched a campaign to give blood. Locals believed that the authorities were colluding with vampires.

Jane Soares was caught in the middle of a shout-out between police and drug dealers in Rio de Janeiro. She was shot in the chest but survived thanks to her silicone breast implants.

South Africa's minister of transport has warned pedestrians not to drink and walk after 839 people were killed on the roads while intoxicated.

Thieves stole four luxury cars in the village of Chorley, Lancashire, in one morning. The drivers had left their engines running to defrost the windscreens.

Japan threatened to bar the Romanian gymnastic team from a competition in Yokohama after three women members of the team - including Olympic gold medallist Lavinia Milosovici - performed nude for a Japanese television programme.

South Central rail network came up with a new excuse for its trains running late. It said that delays were caused by passengers getting on to the trains too slowly.

Trading standards officers in West Yorkshire caught a gang with 100 pairs of fake Calvin Klein underpants when they saw the washing instructions: "Fumble dry,remove promptly, use a worm iron."

A company in Narborough, Leicestershire, abandoned plans to give every member of staff a turkey for Christmas. The Inland Revenue ruled that it was "benefit in kind" and each employee would have to pay tax.

Two 10-year-old carol singers are being hunted by police in Scunthorpe, Lincolnshire. Residents complained that when they refused to give money to the children they were threatened with crowbars.

A man confessed to having eaten an acquaintance after police discovered human bones in his home in Kassel, Germany. He found his victim by advertising on the internet: "Seeking young, well-built 18 to 30-year-old for slaughter."

A businessman who was seized by a crocodile as he swam in Nkhata Bay, Malawi, escaped by biting the beast on the nose.

A Greek shepherd who climbed a tree to escape a pack of wolves was saved by his mobile telephone. He called his brother who arrived with his rifle to frighten the 20 wolves off.

Two women were banned for life from a Bridgend bingo hall after fighting over a lucky chair. One was taken to hospital with a broken nose and two black eyes.

A burglar was caught when he answered the mobile phone he had stolen using his own name. The real owner rang off and phoned the police.

Albert and John Cialis are urging manufacturers Eli Lilly to rename their new anti-impotence drug Cialis because they fear public ridicule.

The dessert Spotted Dick that was renamed Spotted Richard by Gloucestershire Health Authority and Tesco has been given its original name after they both admitted they got it wrong.

A driver stopped at a fire station in Kings Lynn, Norfolk, complaining that he had been affected by fumes from his vehicle. Firemen wearing chemical protection suits discovered the smell was from leaking jars of curry paste.

Computer giant Microsoft has banned Matt Hitchcock from opening an e-mail account deeming his surname too rude.

Muslims in Auckland, New Zealand, have been facing the wrong way when praying towards Mecca thanks to an architectural mistake that mis-oriented the mosque by 30 degrees.

A released prisoner broke back into Exeter jail and staged a rooftop protest at the handling of his complaint against the Prison Service.

Norwich city, celebrating its 100th anniversary, is tracing former players. The club has discovered that Tony Powell, one of its "hard men", is now living in San Fransisco as a woman.

William Potogi who was given a ritual bath to make him bullet-proof by a witch doctor in Surinam was shot dead when the "magic" was tested.

Asylum seekers in Coventry are to be given free driving lessons in a bid to stop them driving illegally.

Sparrows and starlings in Scotland have been dying from a mystery illness that causes them to do somersaults and walk round in circles. Scientists fear the outbreak of a "mad bird" disease.

Health officials in Trabzon, Turkey, forced Fatma Kocaman to move several cows out of her apartment for hygiene reasons.

Mark Ashby was given a blue Mohican hairstyle by his parents as a reward for hard work at school in Omaha, Nebraska. The school then suspended him for breaking the dress code.

A company in Chicago has developed a way to turn cremated human remains into diamonds.

After American rock band Queens of the Stone Age released their album Songs for the Deaf, 37 deaf people turned up to a gig.

Marks and Spencer is developing microchip technology to tell shoppers if their garments clash.

Eve Hibbets faces 15 years in prison in Ohio after allowing her children to get sunburned.

A man weighing 820lb who arrived at a Los Angeles hospital in a lorry was reported to be "comfortable" after surgeons removed 158lb of fat and excess skin.

Police officers in Florida are going undercoveras road workers in order to catch speeding motorists.

A youth of 17 who stole a bus in South Wales also managed to pick up 100 passengers and £150 in fares.

A Californian burglar has been charged with attempting to ransom the ashes of a pet dog.

More bad news for pessimists - scientists in Minnesota have discovered that optimists live longer.

A young girl standing on a riverbank in the Lake District was robbed of a £5 note by a trout.

Lawyer Philip Shafer is suing Delta Airlines for severe discomfort and emotional distress after being seated next to an overweight passenger.

Following complaints about bus-stop queue jumping, Devon police are schooling foreign students in the British tradition of waiting one's turn.

Marke Keane has won £7,000 compensation from an NHS trust. It rejected his application to be a phone operator because he is deaf.

Boston surgeon Dr David Arndt has been suspended after allegedly leaving a patient during a spine operation to go to the bank.

An anti-grumbling campaign will be launched in Australia after claims that people's constant moaning hurts the economy.

A gang of ram-raiders fled empty-handed after smashing into a Chinese takeaway instead of their intended target, the Co-Op store next door. One thief yelled "Oh no, we've got the wrong door"' as they fled with nothing in Gloucester. Stunned residents burst into laughter while calling the police.

A 42-stone man had to be lifted onto a lorry to be taken to hospital because he was too fat to fit in an ambulance. Newcastle-Under-Lyme firemen had to dismantle a wall and a door to get him out of his home.

Three police cars were sent to arrest a 12-yer-old girl in Bedlingtom, Northumberland, who was playing with a toy gun. She was put in a cell, fingerprinted and had a DNA swab taken.

Bigamist Robert Young was freed by a court in Leeds after the accepted his assurance that he had forgotten to divorce his first wife.

Alex Ranson, 85, ended up in the same hospital ward as his wife in Stanhope, County Durham, when he had a heart attack after he realised he had run her over..... twice!

Thousands of patients suffer unnecessary high blood pressure caused by visits to their doctor according to research in the British Medical Journal.

A Moscow policeman opened fire when he was attacked by a Rottweiler. He managed to kill not only the dog - but its owner as well

Mechanics investigating a rattle in a car's engine discovered that it was caused by a squirrel storing nuts under the bonnet.

Scientists in Delaware have developed a computer processor made from chicken feathers.

Football fans at a Manchester cinema are to be offered sushi-flavoured popcorn for England's world cup matches.

An American woman has sued a food manufacturer for $50 million after it doubled the fat content on its "healthy" snack she had been feeding her daughter.

A braille sign in Stroud, Gloucestershire, had to be resited after workmen had placed it 8ft off the ground.

A Stockholm radio station has banned English rock music until after the England - Sweden World Cup match on June 3.

A school in Sacramento expelled a five-year-old pupil because her mother took a job as a nude dancer to help pay the school fees.

A rule requiring women to have gynaelogical examinations to qualify for a driving licence was scrapped in Lithuania.

A group of homeless drug abusers in New York slept on an abondoned sofa for a month without realising it was stuffed with £5.4 million worth of cocaine. Dustmen disposing of the sofa found the drug.

A business man paid a £2 million fine to stay out of jail in Egypt after 283,000 contraband Viagra tablets, with a black market value of £7 million, were discovered in his luggage. Airport staff were alerted by the excessive weight of his four suitcases.

A Saudi who threw a rock at another man knocking out two of his teeth - nine years ago - has been fined £15,000 and had two of his own teeth extracted in public as a further punishment.

Mikhail Gorbachev, the former Soviet leader, has opened a restaurant in Moscow which offers dishes served to him by world leaders when he was in power.

Nayana Morag of Taunton, Somerset, has been offering aromatherapy to animals as an aid to relaxation. Among her clientele are dogs, parrots, sheep and a llama.

Two crematorium workers who ate human body parts were freed by a court in Cambodia because it has no law against cannibalism.

A man was barred from becoming a driving examiner in Southampton because his stutter meant he could no say "Stop" in an emergency.

A prisoner on day release in Madrid robbed a bank of £160,000 and sent money orders to fellow inmates signed 'Robin Hood'. He was caught when he tried to do it again another day.

An airline pilot due to take 300 passengers on a flight from Jerusalem to New York refused to take off because his friend could not have a first class seat.

Police in Bonn had a £60,000 repair bill when 300 patrol cars were filled with diesel instead of petrol.

A prison released a 22-year-old Swedish petty thief early after misreading instructions. They promised him a television for his cell if he returns.

Overweight Americans are being offered a tax incentive to shed the pounds. People who are losing weight for medical reasons will be able to claim tax deductible expenses for slimming products.

Traffic was gridlocked for five hours at Chippenham, Wiltshire, after traffic lights were switched off during road works at a busy junction. No one remembered to switch the lights on again.

An accountant in Salem, Pennsylvania, has been charged with "defiant trespass", which carries a two-year prison sentence. His alleged crime? He spoke at a public meeting, objecting to a new sewage disposal plan, for 11 minutes instead of the allotted five.

A thief in Yorkshire tricked his way into the home of an elderly man during a snowstorm and stole his overcoat.

A burger bar in California is looking for a customer who was given a bag containing £10,000 instead of his meal!

Cleo, a parrot that had escaped from a house at Sandown, Isle of Wight, was hosed out of a tree after refusing to move from a branch for 3 days.

The most watched television show in New York last week was a two-hour programme on Christmas Day of a yule log burning in a fireplace. It attracted more than 620,000 viewers.

An anti-Harry Potter Hotline has been set up in Vienna to enable Austrians to rail at merchandising surrounding J K Rowling's fictional schoolboy wizard.

A Rotterdam man faces court after telephoning his wife over Christmas to say he had been kidnapped. Police found him with his mistress.

A German electronics chain is removing 15,000 posters featuring 3-breasted women after scores of complaints.

The British Department of Health spent £900,000 this year publishing 10 editions of NHS, a glossy £2.95 magazine. It printed 61,000 copies per issue, but only sold 22.

Japan's Education Ministry is to start housework classes for husbands to help reduce their reliance on their wives. The men will not, however, be told to hang out the washing for fear of losing face with their neighbours.

Cambodia's Prime Minister, Hun Sen, who has launched a crackdown on nightlife, announced that illegal karaoke bars will be destroyed: by tank!

A bridegroom died during his wedding ceremony in Iran as he licked honey from his bride's finger, a custom to ensure that life together starts sweetly. He choked on her false fingernail.

In an attempt to reduce a £9 million-a-year electricity bill, the Metropolitan Police has told officers to stop using kettles to make cups of tea.

Fortnum & Mason is telling customers that European Union regulations compel it to warn them that "Children's Crackers" are unsuitable for those under eight.

A man was shot dead in Ghana while testing a magic spell to make hime bulletproof.

Police in the US state of Maryland arrested a woman driver who was seen talking into two mobile phones while driving with her knees.

A policewoman on the way to a burglary in Scarborough misheard a radio briefing about a missing fax and phone and arrested a passer-by carrying a saxophone.

A website featuring a talkative parrot, Hercules, has attracted 3,000 visits since it was launched by the pet's owner, Paul Fairbanks of Mitcheldean, Gloucestershire, four years ago. Hercules has received fan mail from around the world.

Singapore is sending psychiatrists into schools to help stem a growing addiction to the internet.

An eight-year-old girl was detained by Australian police after a stolen car she was driving near Perth was halted by a puncture.

Women MP's in Austria accused the Woman's Affairs Minister - a man - of insulting them because he has set up a seperate department for men.

Doncaster council is spending £4,000 on two-and-a-half hour courses for staff to show them how to change a light bulb. The council said: "It is a statutory duty to provide such information."

A German fighter pilot fired seven rounds at a Dutch air control tower before realising that he should have been aiming at a bright orange tent.

Saltwater crocodiles have been swimming in the streets of Cairns, Queensland, after high tides.

A busy barber in Bristol has installed a webcam so that customers can see how long the queue is before leaving home.

Four sisters have been fighting each other so long over who should inherit their mother's home in Sunderland, that the proceeds from the sale of the house will be swallowed by legal bills.

A memorial service for a sailor who had been missing for a week from a US Navy ship was called off when he walked out of a storeroom.

A man was jailed in central Ghana for killing vultures and selling the plucked birds as chickens.

A monastery in Greece is to change its status to a brotherhood after the churches ruling body told 15 monks there to abandon their 'scandalous ways'.
The monks have formed themselves into a pop group and have already had one hit.

Robbers using an explosive device to open a security device in Paris were foiled because the force of the blast scattered the banknotes all over the road.

Following complaints about smelly dairy farms in America, a 350,000 pounds project at the University of California has produced a cow dung freshener.

A British businessman, who wanted to remain anonymous, gave his wife a 14 million pound submarine for Christmas. He ordered it from the American store Neiman Marcus' mail order catalogue.

A Russian, aged 50, was jailed in Moscow for killing a friend and serving his flesh as 'veal' to guests at a New Year's banquet.

Passengers were held up for two hours after a train encountered the wrong type of insects at Honshu, Japan. It stalled after running over an army of millipedes.

A hospital trust is flying a Spanish surgeon from Madrid to Yorkshire each weekend to help reduce hospital waiting lists. The cost of his fee and air tickets are cheaper than the fee of a private surgeon in Britain.

Passengers on a Swissair flight were stranded overnight in New York when the pilot was detained for 18 hours after being arrested whilst jogging in Central Park

A beer taster in Brazil, who had to sample up to 21 pints a day, was awarded damages after complaining that he had become an alcoholic.

A man trying to retrieve a mobile phone dropped in a lion's cage in Mexico was mauled when the phone suddenly rang and woke up the lion.

A family in Wigan, England is to move after being burgled 20 times. The last straw was when their guard dog was stolen!

A casino waitress in Las Vegas slipped into the rival casino next door after her shift ended and promptly won 22 million pounds on the slot machines! It is not known whether she resigned from her job or was sacked.

The CEO of Dorling Kindersley has resigned after the publishing company sold only 3 million Star Wars books at Christmas. They had printed 13 million!

A man in Slough, England dialled 999 to tell the emergency services that his sister was putting too much corn oil in his food and he was getting fat.

A Japanese firm has invented a vending machine that can change the chime on a mobile phone in 10 seconds.

Custom officers in Frankfurt airport discovered a woman trying to smuggle 1300 bird-eating spiders from Mexico to Germany in her suitcases.

A burglar who stole a BMW sports car had to ask the owner how to start it and then crashed it into a lamp post 400 yards down the road.

In response to Nostradamus's prediction that a calamity will strike in July, a Japanese company is selling a bra with a sensor that alerts its wearer to incoming missiles (this begs the question, what can be described as an incoming missile?).

Blackbird · Joined: 17 Mar 2008 Posts: 119

They are all great!

Malaria_Kidd · Joined: 29 Aug 2006 Posts: 139 Location: Indiana

I too agree Blackbird! Helena and xxxMadmart have out done everyone else with the short and weird lines!

Thanks U2!

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"So if you're tired of the same old story,.......Oh! Turn some pages!" REO Speedwagon from Champaign/Urbana, Illinois, USA.