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admin Madmart · Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 12:10 am Post subject: Retirement !!!!! and other jokes

Retirement !!!!!

A word to the wise. For all those who are retired and those who hope to retire. I suggest that you pay close attention to Jims' tale.

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are overly sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim.

Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile an d offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. < The all-women jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

_________________
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admin Madmart · Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 12:24 am Post subject: Man of the House ?

Man of the House ?

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The damn funeral director would be my first guess."

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Postcards from Honeymoon

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.
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OLD AGE

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"

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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
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Which Bra are You?

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's

and shyly walked up to

the woman behind the counter and said,

'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

'What type of bra?'

asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?' 'Look around,'

said the saleslady,

as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour

and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked

about the types.

The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic,

the Salvation Army,

the Presbyterian,

and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,

the man asked about

the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded,

'It is all really quite simple. .

The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used

to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,

but couldn't figure out

what the letters stood for,

it is about time

you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there... {C} Can't Complain!... {D} Dang!... {DD} Double dang!... {E} Enormous!... {F} Fake... {G} Get a Reduction... {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...

They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen
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Wrong e-mail address

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!
_________________
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Levibrawn · Joined: 03 Nov 2006 Posts: 34 Location: Usa;- NY

Old Age is a Gift - I Have Decided Old Age is a Gift

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body - the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant-garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 am, and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love.. I will I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old!

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten, and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say 'no', and mean it. I can say 'yes', and mean it

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day

Today, I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.

--------------------------------------------------------------
‡
How to age with humour

Journalists were interviewing Molly Holderness, a 103-year-old woman, 'Tell us, Mrs Holderness, what do you think is the best thing about being 103?' the reporter asked.

Molly smiled and looked straight at the reporter and simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
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Laura Aged 93

Just before the funeral service, the Mr Thompson, the undertaker came up to Laura, the very elderly widow and asked her, 'How old was your husband?'

'95,' Laura replied. 'Just two years older than me.'

'So you're 93,' Mr Thompson the undertaker observed.

Laura responded with a wry grin, 'Hardly worth going home, isn't it?'
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Iris Aged 67

As told to us by Iris Belmont, aged 67:

'I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for pensioners [seniors]. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.'
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♦
"Old People"

Ron, an eighty five year old man, was sitting on the couch with his wife, Maisie, when she said to him, 'Why don't you come sit close to me like you used to.' So he did.

After a moment Maisie said, 'Why don't you put your arm around me like you used to.'
Ron put his arm around Maisie and held her tight. Then she said, 'Why don't you nibble on my ear like you used to.'
Ron got up and left the room.
'Where are you going?' Maisie called out.
'To get my teeth,' Ron replied.
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Remember the Doctor

Ernie, an old man says to his doctor, 'Doc, I've lost my memory.'
Doctor Sims, 'When did this begin, Ernie?'
Ernie replies, 'When did what begin?'
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George and Sheila Move bus stop

There were two elderly people, George and Sheila, living in a North Carolina mobile home park in the suburbs of Concord. He was a widower and she a widow and they had known one another for a number of years.

One evening a supper was held in the communal refectory and the two found themselves at the same table, seated across from one another. As the meal progressed, George made several admiring glances at Sheila and he finally gathered his courage to ask her, 'Sheila, will you marry me?'

After about five seconds of "careful consideration", Sheila answered. 'Yes. Yes, I will.'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, then they went to their respective caravans. Next morning, George was troubled: 'Did she say "yes" or did she say "no"?' He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. So it was with some trepidation that he went to the telephone and called Sheila. Firstly, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, George inquired gingerly, 'Sheila, when I asked if you would marry me, did you say "Yes" or did you say "No"?'

George was delighted to hear her Sheila say, 'Why, I said, "Yes, yes I will" and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember for the life of me who had asked.'

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An Amusing and Tongue in Cheek Look at Retirement
♪

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,

But lots of things, That come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to friends' homes,
Football games and lunches.

Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.

Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to travel often
To places near and far.

Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall

But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.

That is how life is,
And now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...

Before you're too darn old!
This Kind of Stuff Has Got To Stop In Our CountryThis Kind of Stuff Has Got To Stop In Our Country
------------------------------------------------------------

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become! This extension work was apparently done at night!! Very sneaky stuff. And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.

On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........ Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large'? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
♪

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking to my house and messing around with my computer. Probably CIA....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?